Autism and Discipline: How do you manage?
Disciplining your kids can be tough for parents sometimes. But what if your child has Autism? Navigating the world of Autism is like trying to put one of those generic puzzles with no picture together. You are often times flying blind. I can’t tell you how many times I have felt lost and defeated.
In our case with Gavin, he is a quagmire wrapped inside an enigma. He has so many other mental health issues that it really makes things difficult. How do you hold him accountable? What are the standards and are they set to high or to low? What is he actually capable of doing? These are all questions my wife and I have asked for years. Just when we think we have it figured out we realize things like, he has been playing us.
One thing about Gavin is he’s truly gifted in the art of manipulation. I really mean that. He’s that good. Unless we always assume he’s playing us it’s all but impossible to tell the difference. I bet so many of you out there know what I talking about. Should we always assume he’s up to something because that feels wrong? How far is to far to push when there are no clearly defined limits?
I long for the day I go to the mail box and find the instruction manual for Gavin has finally arrived.
LT
How Autism effects parents
How does Autism effect parents? This might be a delicate subject but people need to understand in order to support. In my experience there really 2 major categories. There are parents with kids Autistic from birth and there are parents with kids that regress into Autism.
This post will be in several parts. Below is part 1.
—Please understand that I’m by no means trying to compare pain here. I’m trying to help bridge the gap and help us understand one another.—
I can only speak personally about the regressive form of Autism. This form of Autism usually strikes around age 2 or 3. You don’t suspect anything at all because up to this point everything was perfect. All the milestones were reached on time. You have your whole life planned out. You have bonded with your child. You look forward to coming home from work and being greeted with a big hug and kiss everyday. You might be looking forward to coaching his or her team. You look forward to holiday’s and birthday’s. Especially 4th of July fireworks because your child watches them with amazement and wonder.
You are happy and at peace with your life. It’s everything you’ve dreamed of and planned for.
Then one day you wake up and your child is different. You can’t put your finger on it but things start changing and you brush it off as a phase. The phase never passes. In fact it gets worse. Your child will no longer look you in the eyes or always acknowledge you when you call. The hugs begin to stop as well as the kisses. By this time you have been to the doctor and they send you to a specialist. You probably have to wait for what seems like an eternity. When you finally get into the specialists office you hear the words that will forever change you “your child has Autism”.
To Be Continued:
LT
Emmett John and Sensory Problems
EJ has been really struggling with sensory related things. He is not tolerating clothes right now very well. It have evolved into he doesn’t tolerate his diapers either. He acts like they actually hurt him. We have removed tags and try to find clothes without pronounced seams but the diaper situation is going to be a problem.
I have been looking for my “Easy Button” but I seem to recall them being re-collected when they diagnosed my kids. But if anyone has an extra they want to send me that would be great 🙂
LT
Another long day……
Gavin was in rare form today. He was in “I’m not going to listen to you” mode all day. If I didn’t know better (maybe I don’t) I’d swear he was doing it on purpose.
He just seemed to be all over the place today. I lost track of how many times he ended up in his room to decompress.
I knew it was going to be a long summer but I just didn’t know how long.
LT
The Drama that comes with autism
If you are familiar with autism you probably already know there can be quiet a bit a drama that goes along with it. Gavin can be the king of drama at times. Today he got in the middle of the dog and cat “playing” and he got a tiny barely visible scratch from the cat. Not that it didn’t hurt but he started screaming like he had just been stabbed. Sensory issues are at work here to but honestly it was drama. He was fine for a minute then realized he could squeeze it to the point it would bleed. By bleed I mean basically turn red.
As soon as he saw the “blood” he totally lost it. He kept squeezing so more blood appeared and then he would scream some more. We sent him to his room and said when he is under control we’ll look at it again but we can’t do anything with him acting like that. He melted down on the way to his room. A bit later he emerged and was fine. Great job Gavin.
What’s so ironic about this is when he gets mad he will slam himself into his door over and over. He will hit himself and leave bruises. These injuries he never complains about but the tiny little scratch is the end of the world.
LT
Join the Lost and Tired Network.
I started a community as an extension to this blog. I would like to invite everyone to check it out. I want it to be a safe place for all of us to go and share our stories. You can post what you need to post. I ask that you keep it clean and respect everyone.
I want this network to be able to provide information and support to those in the community who may be struggling. Sharing your story, good or bad may give someone the hope and strength they need to get up and move forward. Anyways, I’m not sure how this will work out but you have nothing to lose.
Here is the link Lost and Tired Network
Knowing is Awareness
Since I started this blog I have wanted to really be able to help others going through what we are going through. There are so many families out there that are “Lost and Tired” just like us. There are also families out there that are just now beginning the journey into autism and have no idea what to do. It’s overwhelming and honestly quite terrifying.
I want to be able to reach out to these families and let them know they aren’t alone. I remember what it was like when I first heard the words “Gavin is autistic”. I felt my whole world come crashing down. That was five years ago. Now we are going through that again with EJ.
Along the way we have learned a tremendous amount. We have educated ourselves and become experts on our children’s conditions. It has become second nature to us. Yet we still find ourselves quite frequently without a clue as to what to do.
I share our story because I hope our experience, mistakes, setbacks and victories can offer something someone who may really need it. Even if all you walk from our story with is the knowledge that you aren’t alone then that’s something. It’s so important that you know that you aren’t alone.
I hope that our story can open the eyes of those who haven’t been touched by autism. People need to know what autism really is and how it effects everyone in the family. The more people that know the better off we all are.
As always thanks for sharing our story and being a part of our journey.
Knowing is Awareness.
LT
Raising Autism Awareness?
Where I live in Ohio there is little to no autism awareness. Nothing was done or even mentioned for autism awareness month. There really isn’t anything dedicated to autism at all. How do I fix that. We do have a charter school. Gavin goes there and it’s amazing. There are no fundraisers or billboards. Autism needs everyone’s attention and everyone’s support.
Does anyone have any ideas? Aside from sharing our story with as many people as possible, I don’t really know what to do. I know there are more families out there like us but there is no communication. Do I form a support group or maybe an advocacy group? We have neither here. I know I would like to set up some type a local network providing people with resources and connections.
I feel so strongly that something needs to be done. I just don’t know what.
Any ideas?
Wake up call……..
Marc,
Not trying to single you out but your comment about the video inspired me to write the following. You have many great ideas and I want to thank you for having the courage to share them here. This started out as a reply to my friends comment but some took on a life of its own.
Once again, great to hear from you. You make so many good points. I guess the video has been out a while now but it’s new to me. What I don’t get is the people on YouTube who oppose the video were saying things like “my child doesn’t need cured” or “autism isn’t a disease that needs cured”. People were offended because autism was compared to cancer and aids. The comparison was in the sheer number of people that are effected. I didn’t feel they were comparing wounds or paper cuts. Â Some didn’t like autism being blamed for failed marriages. Â I can say first hand that if you don’t think that autism is a strain on a marriage you are living in a fantasy world. Maybe you aren’t married or have some super powered marriage. Maybe you are just stronger then me. But autism is absolutely a strain on my marriage. It won’t beat us but I can see how it could.
Why can’t we admit the effect autism has on our lives. It’s not a reflection on our kids. It’s doesn’t mean we love them any less. It certainly doesn’t mean they are bad or even broken but instead face many challenges both behaviorally and socially. It DOES means that we are strong enough to admit that we might need help or that our family isn’t perfect. I think the courage and strength we all show day in and day out speaks for itself.
Maybe I’m alone in my belief that I want my kids cured. Not because my life would be easier but because their lives would be less challenging and maybe even more fulfilling for them. I thought we all wanted a cure? I was reading that we give only $62 million a year for research and spend $300+ billion on treatment. The numbers may be off but it’s something like that. It’s disgusting how little priority and attention autism research gets. Our priorities are pretty screwed up when as Marc said, we care more about keeping a star athlete on our local team then we do about finding a cure or even easing the burden of those with autism including their families that may need it..
If the explosion of autism continues it will eventually dominate the human population. “A-typical” people will become a minority and eventually be gone. Think about it in the mid 1980’s 4-5/10000 kids were diagnosed autistic. In the mid 1990’s 3/1000 kids were diagnosed autistic. In 2010 1/110 are diagnosed autistic (1/70 boys are diagnosed). Where do we go from here. Pretty soon every child born will be diagnosed autistic. We’re are at a point of no return a precibus if you will. This is a very serious problem that is not being made a priority. Well guess what, it needs to be. For those who think it doesn’t effect them, odds are at some point it will. How can so many people be effected by autism and so little be done about it?
There are actors,actors that get paid more per movie then autism research gets in an entire year. Where is our outrage? Where is our discontent? Where is our voice?
What I really love about this blog is that people are coming forward and sharing how autism has effected them. I’m so grateful for everyone who has shared their story. People need to know what the reality of autism is. The only way they will is if we talk about it. I hope more and more people will share their story, if not here then somewhere. We need to break the silence and make our voices heard. We should make sure autism is a major issue for the next election. We should support those with autism that can be their own voice. For those who can’t speak for themselves WE as parents, siblings, grandparents, teachers, friends or how about fellow human beings can be their voice.
I don’t understand why people wouldn’t want to make their kids better. I love my kids for who they are but they suffer a great deal and miss out on so many things. I want the best for them and if there was a way to take autism away from them I would do it in a second. I know there are many high functioning people out there that will take offense to this but autism doesn’t have as dramatic of an impact on their lives as someone who is low functioning. I am very happy that many people can live with aspergers and even overcome it and live a quality life but many others can’t. They deserve the same chance at life as everyone else. My kids deserve the same chance at life as everyone else. Without some type of effective treatment they may never get that chance.
I encourage you to share your story. You are always welcome to share your story here. I’m honored so many have and I hope many more will. If you need a place to just vent your frustration you’re welcome to do that here to. We all get frustrated and maybe someone here has the answer you have been looking for .
You all have given us your thoughts and prayers. Words cannot express how touched and grateful I am for that. You are all in our thoughts and prayers. I hope that doesn’t offend anyone. I want to help in any way I can.
You are not alone.
LT
Another Long Night
Had a rough nights sleep last night. My back is bothering me to the point that sometimes I actually consider the surgery. However, I can still cope with it for now. EJ and ER both slept through the night for the first time is a while. EJ woke up at 4:30am and wouldn’t go back to bed.
The kids might be hanging with my parents today and G is going to spend the night. ER and I might have a very uncomfortable camp out on the living room floor again tonight.
Lizze has to double her depakote today so we aren’t sure how that’s going to go. She has a doctors appt today at 3pm and we have to go grocery shopping.
Maybe catch a nap later if we’re lucky.
I rebuilt my business website yesterday and today. It’s a work in progress. But feel free to check it out and let me know what you think. http://www.computerrenew.org
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Where to begin……
Where to begin? I have been slacking a bit on posting mostly cause I’ve been in lots of pain and my computer needed to be shown who’s boss.
Lizze had an absolutely brilliant day. She got EJ and G appointments at the children’s hospital. EJ goes later this month and G goes next month. She got a lot accomplished on the medical front today. Great job honey. I know she worked through a tremendous amount of pain today and I’m grateful for all she did.
ER had another nightmare last night that ended with him and I downstairs on the living room couches. Not real comfortable for me but he felt better so…..
EJ has been fighting us on wearing shirts. He can’t seem to tolerate the seams. He totally freaks out until we take it off. We are going to have to find some sensory friendly shirts for him. He woke up tonight screaming again like he was in pain. We finally got him back to bed and we are going there ourselves. Big thunderstorm outside and I have to porch door off our second floor bedroom open. I love storms. I’m laying here and I can smell a house fire. Hope everyone made it out ok. I heard the trucks a bit earlier. Sometimes I really miss the fire department but mostly the guys.
G is really struggling. He just continues to regress and no one seems to know why. It’s like he is becoming more infantile, if that makes any sense. He seems to be struggling with identifying objects. Like we asked him to take the bucket of cars and put them away. Lizze was actually handing him the bucket and he kept picking up a book off the table like that’s what we wanted him to do. We are working to get him whatever help he needs but it takes time. That’s the really frustrating part is the waiting. It’s all we have to do sometimes. We are getting him into camps so he doesn’t lose any of the social skills he learned our the past school year.
Today is my Grandmother’s 85th birthday. I wish we could go see her but right now the kids, mainly EJ and G wouldn’t do well. One of the many sacrifices what have to be made when special needs kids are concerned.
Hopefully everyone is doing better in the morning including myself.
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A bit of relief……..
Last night was pretty nice. I finally got to take something for my back. Some pain killers,muscle relaxers and motrin. I was out by 7:30pm. I haven’t taken anything for my back for a really long time. I slept on the couch and at some point I ended up with ER draped across my legs. I kept trying to shake him off cause – though he was Maggie. I slept in and it was great. I woke up to Gavin having a meltdown over something I can’t remember. But it was still nice to not hurt even just for a little while. Thanks honey.
Thank you for sharing our lives. LT
Somethings Up With Gavin
Something is going on with Gavin. He’s really off today and that’s saying something. Today was the first day of summer break. All I can say is 1 down 103 to go. I’ll be honest I’m not looking forward to this summer. We are getting Gavin in to see the doc’s again because he is really starting to worry us. My first thought would be over medication but he’s not over medicated. He is however still regressing. He brushes his teeth and you’d think he’d been finger painting with the tooth paste not brushing his teeth. He can’t find things. He’d look for his backpack (which is on the couch where he put it) and can’t find it. He will even pick “IT” up and look underneath it.
His problem solving skills are slipping away as well. This is the longest he has regressed. The doc’s have told us there is nothing we can do. He is just going through these things. They are correct we can’t stop these phases any more then we could stop the other kids from walking or crawling. We weren’t worried because he goes through these phases and they just work themselves out and when the dust settles we’re pretty close to where we left off. This time does seem different though.
Looks like it’s back to the drawing board with this one.
Thank you for sharing our lives. LT
Autism and Sexuality
Gavin is really starting to struggle. He seems to have significantly regressed with no sign of slowing down. The frustrating part is that he could be playing us. He is extremely manipulative.
Lizze went to the school to pick up Gavin today and chat with the principle. While they were talking Gavin very inappropriately put his arm around Lizze and grabbed her butt (not letting go) and the laid his face in her breasts. She handle it well. They had the private parts talk again. We have to get this under control if that’s even possible. He does this type of hyper sexual thing pretty often and “no” it’s not an innocent thing. There is intent behind it.
We will have to increase our vigilance in this area.
Thank you for sharing our lives. LT
It Rained……..Inside
So this morning it rained. I happen to look behind our tv and I noticed water dripping inside the window. The storm windows were closed cause the air was on. I looked again and the windows had actually filled with water. When I open the inside window the water poured out onto the floor. The water was dripping through the wall into the window. I have all the computer business hooked up over there but we caught it before they were damaged. That would have been devastating. I have built up a lot of stuff for the business over the years and I would not have been able to replace for a bit.
My dad and brother came over and laddered the side of the house and fixed the clog in the gutters so it was no longer running down the wall. Thanks Big Time for the help.
Had to move everything around so the house is torn up but ok. Could have been much worse……
Thank you for sharing our lives. LT
Perspective: From the heart of a special needs father……
Perspective: From the heart of a special needs father:
You are lucky because you never use words like autism, spectrum, bipolar, sensory, anti-psychotic, manic or nonverbal in relation to your children and may not even know what they mean. I am all to familiar with them and wish I wasn’t.
You are lucky because your kids have friends, even if they could pick them better. Mine don’t have any and that breaks my heart.
You are lucky because your kids curse and are disrespectful. Mine have never said a word and I would give anything to hear him say Daddy.
You are lucky your kids wear clothes even though you can’t stand their tastes. Mine can’t stand the feel of clothes on their skin.
You are lucky you have to take your kids to practice and run like crazy shuttling them around. I will likely never have that opportunity.
You are lucky you can’t get your kids to eat their vegetables. I can’t get mine to stop eating things that aren’t food.
Your are lucky your kids have a boyfriend or girlfriend even if you think they are wrong for each other. Mine likely won’t ever have the experience.
You are lucky your kids break curfew or sneak out to a party. Mine won’t even be invited.
You are lucky to go places on the holiday’s even if you’d rather stay home or can’t stand your family. My kids can’t handle the holiday’s let alone the get together’s.
You are lucky to have extended family and even friends.
Most of ours have long since left because our life was to complicated.
You are lucky your kids will build their own lives. I’m terrified of what will happen to them if I die.
Perspective is an amazing thing. Hug your kids and never take anything for granted.
LT
Autism has changed me
Autism is changing me.
I have become very bitter and angry. I’m angry that I have lost my friends. I’m pissed off at the “family” that forced us to walk away. I’m angry at the “family” that walked away from us because they couldn’t hack it. I’m angry that my career is gone. I’m angry that Autism is stealing away my children. I’m angry that Gavin will never live a “normal” life or even live on his own for that matter.I’m angry that he will never have the opportunities so many people take for granted. I’m angry that we are so alone. I’m angry that I have to sit here and watch  EJ deteriorate and no one seems to take that seriously. I’m angry that the people that should don’t seem to believe that this stuff is really happening.
I’m angry with myself for not being a better father. I’m angry with myself for not being a better husband. I’m angry with myself for not being a better provider. I’m angry with myself because I can’t get the van we so desperately need. Â I’m angry with myself for not being able to keep up with the house. I’m angry with myself for losing my patience so often lately. I’m angry with myself for letting autism change me.
LT
I Know…….
I know that it seems like all I write about are depressing things. I write about lots of problems. The reason for that is because IT IS OUR TRUTH. These are the things we are living through every day. It’s hard to see any positives in the face of so much adversity. I know it’s depressing to read all the negatives all the time but try living it. We don’t get to walk away. We don’t get a break, EVER. We are going to fail if we don’t get help. We are going to fall apart if we don’t get a break.
The point of this blog was to start the conversation by breaking the silence. Sharing the unedited truth is really the only thing I can do. I have lost almost all of my friends and a huge chuck of what was supposed to be family because no one understands.
I had hoped that along with me getting to vent that this blog would give some insight to my family as to what we are experiencing. I think it’s easier sometimes to just pretend we aren’t here. People go about their own lives as though we don’t exists. Maybe it’s just easier to assume I exaggerate or even make these things up, right. Don’t misunderstand me, no one owes us anything. At the same time family is supposed to be there when you need them. Despite all we have been through and everything we are continuing to go through we are always there to help. Many times we are the first ones everyone goes to when they need something. Sometimes we see that they need help and just offer without having to be asked because to me that’s what family does. . I guess it’s not fair to expect others to do what we would do. That said, some of my family have literally saved us at times by loaning us money and we are grateful for that. But we need your time.
The absolute truth is that we are drowning. Everyday it’s getting harder and harder to tread water. We get no sleep and no break. I’m the oldest of 6 and not one person actively seeks out any of our kids to spend time with. Our kids have no real relationship with my brothers and sisters. They live 10 minutes away and we never see them. I can’t even get people to respond to my texts. Being the oldest I have always been there for you guys. I need your help. Why will no one help us?
I know that some of the kids can be complicated and difficult to handle at times but they still need you ACTIVE in their lives. All I’m going to accomplish by this is getting it off my chest. Very few people in my family actually read this even though they all know it’s there. I want to move far away. Maybe then it wouldn’t hurt so much that we are alone. I could justify the lack of contact by saying to myself we live to far away otherwise they would be here.
Thank you for sharing our lives. LT
Am I Talking To Myself?
Am I talking to myself? I sure feels like it today because no one is listening. I have lost track of how many times I’ve repeated myself today. It’s 9pm and none of the kids are sleeping. Lizze and I were going to have our first date night and its been a disaster. EJ is screaming and I can’t help Lizze because ER and G will not stay in bed.
I don’t know what is going on in this house but clearly it has to stop. It’s 85 degrees here and Gavin is in sweat pants, a tea shirt (long sleeve) and a hoody. He freaks out cause his window is open. We give him the choice, he either strips down or he has to have the window open or fan on. ER’s sleep cycle is completely screwed up. Lizze and I have not had a single night were we have been able to sleep through in years. WE NEED A BREAK. WE NEED HELP. WE NEED SLEEP. I think that about sums up the night so far.
Gavin’s Continues Regressing
Gavin is acting strange, even for him. :e walks around with his eyes almost closed. He mumbles when he talks. When he talks each word is like 15 seconds apart.
He said he wasn’t feeling good and his tummy hurt. He looks like he’s not feeling good. However, he could have been saying that to get away from ER. Either way we sent him back to bed to get some rest. I don’t know if he’s eaten anything he shouldn’t have. Lizze caught him eating his toe jam the other night. So your guess is as good as mine.
Now he wants back down and claims his stomach never hurt. I’m home with the kids alone so I can’t battle him right now. I sent him back to bed. Cause if he did lie about being sick then he needs to meet the consequences for that. If he really is sick then he needs his rest. It’s kinda win win. I don’t want him eating anything because if his stomach does hurt then he will make himself vomit. He does that in this type of situation because he thinks he has to vomit.
Lizze should be home any minute now. EJ is still sick and fell asleep on me on the couch. ER was up all night again. Lizze and I took turns with him. Needless to say no one slept well. Again.
LT
Thank you for sharing our lives. LT
The end to a another day.
I made it through the day in one piece. When you live with special needs kids that’s saying something.
I want to thank everyone for the constant support and compassion. Things are pretty tough for us now but we somehow always find our way out the other side. Good or bad. For better or worse this is my truth.
Thanks for taking the time to share our lives as well as your own. I really enjoy the dialog and hope it continues to increase in the future.
LT
Thank you for sharing our lives. LT
Long night
Last night seemed to go on forever. EJ was sick and fussy all night long and ER kept having bad dreams. I think I finally got to sleep around 3am. Lizze let me nap this morning and that helped. I just got ER off to quiet time and I’m going to just chill while everyone is sleeping.
Maybe catch up on some “Splinter Cell: Conviction”….
Thank you for sharing our lives. LT
Losing a son to autism: A father’s grief.
I hate autism. I hate everything about it. My kids are not autism. I hate autism for doing to them, to us what it has done. Autism is a thief. It’s a coward. It sneaks in and steals our kids right out from under us. Autism is a cruel and unforgiving disorder. It takes relentlessly and never stops.
My Story
I hate hearing how it could be worse. What is it like to have autism in our lives? As a father, I don’t know if I even have the words to describe what it’s like. I’m sorry if I offend anyone with this but it is what it is. Gavin is our 10 year old son. He died at age 3. That’s what it’s like for me. He has a rare, regressive form of autism. Sometime after his 3rd birthday a switch flipped and the Gavin we knew and loved was gone. I really mean that. The child that was, no longer existed. What remains is a shell of who he was.
Unless this has happened to you, please don’t judge me. Gavin was my everything. He wasn’t even mine but to me he was. We went everywhere together. We went fishing and to the playground. We had camp outs in the living room. One day all that was gone. He would no longer connect. It was like he didn’t know us. He would hug us out of habit. I felt the difference. He was gone and we didn’t even get to say good bye.
The truly cruel part of his autism is that for many years after we would get these glimpses of him. It was like someone briefly waking from a long term coma, confused about what happened but there. He would somehow find his way out. It never lasted more then a few moments and then he was gone again. Every time this happened it was like losing him again for the first time. It was like watching him die over and over again. He would come back and then go away again. Very few people know what that feels like. It was torture. Having someone you love taken away is a horrible thing but imagine having them taken away over and over and over again. Watching helplessly as something dragged them away into the dark and there is NOTHING you can do. You actually grieve as though they are dead, because in reality the person they were is. The person you knew and loved is gone. All you have left is the physical body, a shell. The essence of who they were no longer exists.
Now imagine having finally come to terms and then out of nowhere they come back. You don’t know what to do or say because there’s no time to even process it. You finally figure out what to say and they are gone. All the things I had wanted to say if I had the chance slip away unsaid. I don’t have to imagine anything. That is my reality every single day. Every single time I grieve like it’s the first time. I don’t know how else to explain it.
You want to know how terrible I am? Do you want to know how weak I am? After awhile I actually prayed for him to stay gone. God forgive me, I just couldn’t take it anymore. The pain I experienced each and every time was unimaginable. It’s like a nightmare you can’t wake from. I can’t explain what it feels likes as a husband and father to experience this. You see them physically there but that’s it. They don’t connect on any meaningful level and everything becomes mechanical, emotionless and empty.
Gavin hasn’t found his way back in many years. There are so many things I want him to know and I will never have the chance to tell him. Most of what I say anymore has little to no impact on him. I can’t have a conversation with him because he doesn’t pay attention. Everyday I have to see what I no longer get to have. The pain never goes away. Anyone that says that it does is either lying to you or themselves.
Now let’s talk about guilt. Not only are you grieving but the guilt is unbearable. You feel like it’s you fault. You might not say it but deep down you blame yourself. If I had only been a better parent. You question everything you’ve done. You try so hard to remember when it happened but you can’t. I have one memory that haunts me. It’s the last memory of Gavin I have. He was 3 years old and I took him fishing for the first time. He actually caught a blue gill all by himself on his little fishing rod. We were fishing off the gazebo at the time. I remember him sticking his head between the spindles on the outside walls talking to the ducks. I actually have a picture of that. I was tired because I had just gotten off of a 48 hour shift as a medic. He wanted to stay and play with the kids on the play ground. I said no and we went home. That was it. I never had another chance after that. He started slipping away shortly after. The worst part for me is I never got to say goodbye. What would it have hurt to let him play a little bit. I took that from him.
I know all about guilt. I hate everything about my relationship with Gavin now. It’s tense and volatile. I have no patience for him anymore. His behaviors, though not always his fault have put a tremendous strain on our family. I’m often resentful anymore for the impact this has had on Lizze’s health as well as pur other kids.
But what if the truth is I resent the fact that his physical person is here and that’s all. What kind of person let alone father does that make me. It just hurt’s to much sometimes to see him but know he isn’t there anymore.
This is what it was like for me to lose Gavin. This wasn’t easy to write but I just needed to say it. Maybe it explains why I am the way I am. Maybe it gives you a better understanding of what it’s like to be me. Maybe you know someone going through this also. Maybe now I won’t have to keep explaining why we do the things that we do. Maybe I can just leave this here instead of carrying this around with me.
LT
Thank you for sharing our lives. LT
Honesty Post
Look I’m going to be completely honest. Everything has gone down hill for me this evening. I thought I was holding it together but I’m done. Gavin is driving me absolutely CRAZY. He just can’t do anything like he’s supposed to. I’m only talking about things I know he is capable of. Simple 1 step tasks seem like we are asking him to reinvent the wheel. He stalls and stalls all the time instead of just doing what he is freaking asked. Everything seems like a game and the game is manipulation. I swear he plays head games with ER. He wants to play then doesn’t want to play. If he does play he is the only one that is allowed to have an imagination. Anything ER imagines is quickly shot down by Gavin because “it’s not real”.
As a parent it’s hard to watch this happen. However, if I’m going to be completely honest, it’s harder for me because ER is my first born. I raised and finally adopted Gavin. It’s just not the same thing. I know how it sounds believe me. I also know how big of a monster it makes me feel like. It’s the truth though. I have this overwhelming instinct to protect ER from Gavin. I have to be extremely careful not to play favorites but it’s getting harder. EJ never really interacts with Gavin but when he does it’s the same thing. Gavin actually complains when EJ cries. He actually complains. I realize it’s probably sensory but HELLO, WE ALL have to listen to and feel every single one of his God Damn meltdowns. I just want to scream “hello pot, meet kettle”.
I sound juvenile but I can’t even explain how overwhelmingly frustrating it is. I just get to a point where I can feel myself cracking into pieces. I don’t know how we are supposed to know what to do? Who do we cater to? I don’t see a way to do this without “playing favorites” so to speak. Sometimes I feel like just giving up. Nothing I can do will make things any easier for anyone. Gavin is always going to be difficult. Elliott Richard will probably always be trying to connect with his big brother even though he just keeps getting shut down.
I have no idea what’s going on with Emmett John. Will he ever talk? Is he going to regress and slip away like Gavin? This scares the shit out of me every single day. Are we doing enough of the things right that we are making a difference? How do we even know? The children’s hospital still hasn’t gotten the paper work to get things started. That paper work has been faxed at least twice by different people and even mailed weeks ago.
All of this makes Lizze’s condition worse. Fibromyalgia feeds on stress. Our lives have become a freaking all you can buffet for it. There is no way to take her pain away or even make it better, even a little. This kills me. It’s like waking up everyday to a nightmare.
One of the worst parts is that I KNOW very few people actually know what this feels like. I hear how things could be worse. Worse is a relative term, it’s different for everyone. For me I feel like at times we have finally hit rock bottom only to have the floor collapse and we continue to fall. I don’t want this for my family. I wouldn’t even want this for my worst enemies family.
There are times in dealing with things that I think everything just might be ok but tonight everything just seems to be falling apart around me. The things we need to help us just aren’t available. At this point I have talked to some of my family and asked them to get certified as care givers. Then instead of complete strangers getting paid to provide respite, family can get paid to do it instead. I’m hoping someone agree’s to do it. Everyone is living there own lives though and we don’t always fit in. The kids don’t have nearly the relationships with my siblings that I had hoped they would. We are the only one’s with kids. I had hoped that my brothers and sisters would be active parts of their lives but they aren’t really. That hurts. We need a break. That’s the best help we can get right now but it’s also the hardest to come by.
LT
Thank you for sharing our lives. LT
Lost and Tired 